Showbiz Pizza Animatronic Performers + backseat slow jamz soft gangsta what??:

(thanks for the clip, Droid Army)
love
katie

Dear Internet Friends,
Tonight I spent three hours reading a chapter in the scintillating "Problems in Contract Law." I was on the edge of my seat the whole time: will the integration clause make the plaintiff's real estate contract voidable because of the accused misrepresentation of the property's termite infestation that was made evident two months after escrow closed???
The answer: yes.
At this point I don't give a fuck about problems in contract law or termite infestations or houses or people that have problems in contract law because they accidentally buy houses that have termite infestations. Wait--scratch that. I actually DO care about termites, here's a picture of a termite swarm:

Um GROSSSSSSSSS.
I mean usually I'm a little more sympathetic to people that get totally screwed over due to fraudulent business practices, but tonight I was so crabby and bored that I was like, "Dude there were literally hundreds of termite trails all over that house, how could you not have noticed that during the open house or any of the other walk-throughs that you took before you bought it? Were you wearing a blindfold the entire time? Were you wearing 3D glasses? You're a chump and I hate you and you should be punished for your stupidity, MORON. You should be forced to live underneath a pile of termites for the rest of your stinkin' life!"
So anyway, I totally hate school right now and it makes me puke. I think I'd rather eat termites constantly all day every day for the rest of my life than read another page in any of these millions of boring books that I am forced to read. Actually I probably would never eat termites or any bugs ever but maybe I'd, like, touch a termite swarm for a second instead of reading for law school.

There was a funny thing in my torts book today, though, where this guy goes "I'm going to turn your brains into jelly beans if you ever try to grope my girlfriend again!" So, yeah, that was a highlight.

love
katie

I totally want to KISS this guy that I go to school with.
He's really really really cute!
Okay bye,
katie

I'm currently reading a case right now for my torts class, and the issue is whether the defendant intentionally burned the plaintiff in the crotch with a welding torch.
Fun!

Here's some more bad news for witchdoctors!

Tanzania Witchdoctors Flout Ban
BBC, 26 January 2009

Witchdoctors in Tanzania are defying a government ban announced on Friday, intended to stop the killings of people with albinism for ritual medicine.
A BBC correspondent has seen at least 10 witchdoctors are working openly.
It comes days after the latest murder of an albino man in Tanzania brought the national death toll to at least 40 since mid-2007.
The killers reportedly sell albino body parts - including limbs, hair, skin and genitals - to witchdoctors.
Prime Minister Mizengo Pinda said on Friday the government was revoking the licences of all traditional healers with immediate effect.

Here's a picture of my cat in front of the space heater, she's very cozy right now:

Don't worry, she's not dead. Although, she IS 17 years old and sometimes when she doesn't move for a while I put a mirror in front of her nose to make sure that she's still breathing.

Bonjour, hippies! I just cut my bangs in the sink again, check it out:

I am taking a break from watching ABC's "True Beauty" and man, is my brain tired.
Here's a clip from this mind-bending show!:

Watching it kind of makes me want to shave my legs and then slit my wrists.
Okay I'm going to bed now!
love
katie

Okay I accidentally recently ripped off this guy and his Insane Clown Posse obsession, and for that I am sorry:

This dude and his wife made a superb video dedicated to the Juggalos and it is a wonderful thing.
FAGO POP FOREVER, MY JUGGALO FRIENDS!
love
katie

Well, they make some good points:

I'm totally thirsty for Fago Pop!

Dear Poor People of America,
I just heard a story about how now you guys don't even have enough money to pay for the electricity in your soon-to-be-foreclosed homes, and are instead using more candles, kerosene lamps, and precarious, barely-contained living room fires.
I think that a great way to make some extra cash is to manufacture homemade candles and then you can either use them yourself or sell them to other poor people on the internet. Wait, if you don't have electricity you probably don't have the internet either, so maybe you can sell them at like road-side stands instead? Anyway, distribution is your problem. Here's a candle recipe:

(for this one, you first have to get your hands on a bunch of bees)
Then you'll need:

Some Beeswax sheets
Some primed wick
A sharp knife
A cutting board

1. Roll out the Beeswax sheet on your work surface.
2. Cut a length of wick, approximately two inches longer than the width of your Beeswax sheet.
3. Place the wick along the edge of the Beeswax sheet, and fold the sheet approximately 1/8 of an inch over the wick. Be sure to press down on the sheet to make sure the wax completely surrounds the wick.
4. Once the wick has been secured in the Beeswax sheet, it is time to start rolling. Be very careful not to damage or disrupt the honeycomb pattern on the wax. Roll the candle slowly, and be sure to keep it straight.
5. Once you have reached the end of the sheet, gently press down on the exposed edge to ensure that your candle does not come apart.
6. Pick which end you feel will make the best "top" and trim the wick down to approximately ½ inch. Also remove the exposed wick completely from the other end.

If you don't have any bees, cutting boards, or sharp knives, I'd suggest that you should probably steal them from someone.
YOU'RE WELCOME!
love
katie

I did homework like a motherfucker today and now have nothing else to do tonight! So now I'm just sittin' here, drinking beer and thinking up hair-brained schemes (or is it "hare"-brained schemes? What's the correct spelling? Well I guess I have the time to check it out on the internet!!):

harebrained |ˈhe(ə)rˌbrānd|
adjective
rash; ill-judged : a harebrained scheme

That's what the ol' IDictionary says about it. Thanks for making me look dumb again, computer!

Sixty Minutes is on right now and two of the segments are about how our country is in the midst of a debilitating economic crisis. Which is the same thing that they've been reporting on for the last three months. Bo-ring. And it also bums me out. I like when they do segments on elephants and celebrities and the mysterious hidden land mines of Cambodia. Those stories are a little more light-hearted, am I right??

Okay well I'm going to sit here and think about awesome and creative ways to make money. Stay tuned!


your internet pal,
katie

I feel SO MUCH BETTER today, in case you guys were wondering. There's nothing like a good 12 hour stretch of sleep to really put things into perspective and ask yourself important questions, like "What day is it?" and "Am I getting sick or something, yeesh!" But I just wanted to clarify something about the personal tragedy that I puked onto this blog last night: I was kind of thinking about breaking up with him, too. It was a somewhat mutual decision. So that's all I'm going to say about it, except that this particular guy is really great and we probably will become great friends. At least, I really hope so, I like spending time with him even if we aren't making out and stuff.
Enough of that particular subject matter! From now on I intend to write about more vital topics of interest, like trivia about manatees and how often John Boehner has appointments at his local tanning salon. He probably goes like twice a week, I mean look at the man, he's ORANGE:

love
katie

Well, it's been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me tonight, kind of like this:

Long story short, I sorta got dumped last night and now I'm single. I spent tonight watching "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: Emotional Manipulation!"
Oh, the crying. Crying really hard gives me a headache and my eyes get puffy and then I fall asleep. It's really not conducive to being a productive member of society. I went out to buy some orange juice at the Chinese grocery store and even the emotionless cashier that I see every day, the one that has nary a smile or wink or acknowledgment to my existence, she was like "Whoa are you okay?"
Yes, Chinese cashier, I am fine. And maybe being in the checkout line, with four frantic and rushed Chinese housewives impatiently waiting behind me, isn't the time for me to dump my emotional problems on you. We have a definite language barrier anyway. But I just want to say thanks for asking why it looks like I've been sobbing my eyes out all day! Just like an indulgent and selfish white girl to cry and cry over things that are relatively immaterial, huh. I'm sure the cashier has her own host of problems, like how her sister owes $20,000 to some slavemaster that smuggled her over here from China on a leaky and semi-unseaworthy boat and now she has to work off her enormous debt in a dangerous textile plant for 15 hours a day for the rest of her life, without water or bathroom breaks or food. We all have our problems these days!
So yeah, boo hoo, be super sad for me okay? I'll update you about my violently changing mood swings on Facebook, the most narcissistic and infantile of websites.
love
katie

I'm currently obsessed with this:

Okay that's about it for tonight! I have a legal research class at 9 in the morning tomorrow and right now I kind of hate law school. But don't worry I'll prolly like it again in like an hour or so. BIPOLAR ALERT!!!
love
katie

Well, I had a delightful night of reading ultra-conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's opinions about homosexual sodomy and why gay men behave like animals and should be locked up in jail for a million years and shamed in the streets. After 15 hours at school today I had to ask myself, "Katie, is this really what you want to do for the rest of your life? Read the meandering tomes of some self-hating, possibly-closeted homophobe that obsessively fixates on the private sexual relations of consensual adults in their own homes?" I guess that the answer is yes, my friends, because that's currently what I'm doing and will be doing for the rest of my life. Some would say that Antonin Scalia is the Biggest Homophobe In The Universe, but there are a couple of dudes from my hometown that could give him a run for his money in that department. A wise man once said that ignorance is bliss, but it doesn't seem so blissful to sit around pounding Bud Lite and getting all angry about gay dudes while polishing rifles at the hunting shack during "Guys Weekend." Just fuck each other already and give us a break with the hate speech.
B t dubs, here's a link to Scalia's diatribe about gay sex:

http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles2/ScaliaLawrenceDissent.shtml

Anyway.
We have a new president and everyone else in the country is celebrating because our new leader definitely does not have Down's Syndrome or "wet brain" from years of alcoholism and he was never a cheerleader or in the Skull and Bones Society that tortured fellow classmates in very humiliating ways! Our new president doesn't talk down to the American people like we're a bunch of gas-huffing NASCAR enthusiasts! America might possibly no longer be on the constant brink of utmost disaster! I personally would be dancing in the streets if I wasn't so fucking exhausted from hauling 11 hundred pounds of law books around like a fucking martyr. Hey, I'm doing this for the poor folks that I will somehow save after I get my law degree! Feel sorry for me RIGHT NOW! Or maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself enough to make up for the entire population of America? Eh, whatever. I'm drinking wine.
That reminds me to thank my number one inspiration, Jesus Christ, for inventing wine in the first place! Hooray for Jesus! Now, if only I could learn how to make wine from water myself I could stretch these law school student loans that much farther? Jesus, I implore you, what is the water-to-wine recipe because I am THIRSTY, am I right?
Also, what's up with Dick Cheney in the wheelchair today? He just wants attention, am I right?!!
Here's a picture of me on an airplane, I'm going to bed now goodnight!

love
katie

Here's a couple of things:
First of all, I've been such a pajamas wearing slob over the past two weeks that my seemingly-endless supply of clean pajama pants has run out. Every single year for the past ten years I've received like five pairs of flannel jammies from Santa. So, that's like 50 sets of pajamas. But I haven't taken the time or energy to actually change in to "street clothes" for so long that I don't even wear the same pants size anymore and didn't notice that until today. Looks like it's time to emerge from the Bell Jar and become a productive member of society that actually leaves the house wearing regular pants! Bummer!
Second of all, my dad's down in DC for the Inauguration festivities, and I'm sort of worried about him. He's always had a debilitating claustrophobia when dealing with massive crowds of people. I mean, the crowds don't even have to be that massive. Once when he was visiting me in Dublin, while I was working at a super smoky and crowded club, he had to leave because he said that the situation made him feel like he was "tripping on acid, what with all of the people crammed in there. Aren't there enforced fire codes here? I have to get out of here NOW." I get that from him. It must be a DNA thing. The very idea of being surrounded by millions of screaming people makes me feel like I'm the star of a very elaborate and terrifying Hollywood horror film. Like, being in Times Square for New Year's Eve? Gross, no thanks! Too many people, too many strangers' bad breath, and we can't even go to the bathroom like civilized people. Please someone fetch me a paper bag so that I can do some hyperventilating and ruin everyone else's good times already! Some folks are really happy to "be a part of our nation's history," but I'd rather be trapped in a prison cell than amid a crowd of prostrated devotees of whatever we're cheering for, because at least in jail there's a toilet and a small amount of personal space.
Third of all, yes, maybe I'm a bit jealous of the people that are in DC right now but there's a definite possibility that I'd have the mother of all panic attacks if I was there. This is one of the issues that I will deal with some day! God, just get over it you guys!
I'm going to bed now. I just drank a glass of milk, but don't worry, it was organic milk, so it didn't have any bovine bodily fluids in it like bile and snot and period blood that regular non-organic milk contains.
And, as always, thanks for reading my blog!
love
katie

(this is a photo of former DC mayor Marion Barry. He was caught smoking crack with several hookers in a hotel room, and then after that the citizens of DC reelected him. That's how fucked up the District of Columbia is!)

Advice about how to give your cat a hair cut, from a very reputable internet source:

DO NOT USE SCISSORS TO CUT A CATS HAIR! This is especially dangerous to try when cutting out mats. Sometimes mats can be extremely close to the skin. I used to work as a vet tech and saw this happen more than once. An owner, meaning well, tried to cut the mat out with scissors and cut right through the cat's skin and it literally leaves a huge open hole in the skin. A cat's skin is extremely delicate- like tissue paper. For mats your best bet is to take to a professional groomer who has experience with cats and who is fast and have them clipped. .

Instead, just buy a cat that looks like this:

Actually, no one should buy a cat that looks like this because it's haunting and spooky and looks less like an animal and more like a handful of turkey sausage, but a handful of turkey sausage that has eyes and claws. YUCK.

Dear My Future Children,
I will never make you do this:

I don't care how much money that you will win at the pageant or how much I need attention at that point, being a fat mom with stretch marks and bad, permed hair. You can play in the sand box instead!
Love
Katie

Dudes:
Everyone is super pumped about the Inauguration of our new president! Yippee!! Let's all go to DC and raise hell for the new administration! Let's go to the Lincoln Memorial and scream and scream our heads off at Bono and his self-important bullshit! Hooray!!!
My dad's there now and has learned how to text on his cell phone. Today he wrote, "Wassup dog. . .diggin' DC." What's that all about? He's 63 years old and barely knows how to email people. Like, he understands the technology of emailing people but says that emailing is a trite form of conversation, it's too cheery and superficial, he doesn't really know what to say. But now he's all about texting and vernacular associated with it.
Anyway, I'm pissed that I spent all day at fucking law school, studying about "original jurisdiction" and "hung juries" and a bunch of civil procedure that I simply do not understand. The case book is like reading a really boring and extensive set of instructions for a terrible board game in which no one understands and decides not to play at a dinner party. It's the most uninspiring book that I've ever read, except for maybe "Tuesdays with Morrie." (Actually I didn't read "Tuesdays with Morrie", I fell asleep reading the book cover at the airport. Security had to wake me up with smelling salts, right there on the floor of the bookstore at O'Hare. Embarrassing!) So, while everyone else in the country is crammed into DC for this historic occasion, or at various sports bars watching the last remaining games of this NFL season, I spent 10 hours at school trying to make some sense of intricate legal doctrine after a month of smoking pot and sleeping and binge drinking. My brain doesn't work anymore and it's just depressing.
This is my new blog, by the way! I am still as bitter as ever!
So, my friends, let's live it up on the internet! Real life is for Red Cross volunteers in 3rd world countries and prison inmates and the Amish. They don't have access to computers! Their lives suck even more than mine sucks!

p.s. This fucking retard is soon gonna pratfall and giggle and shrug his way back to Texas. Thank heaven for small favors!

Welcome to Tragic Hayrides!

I'll be updating this as much as I can muster.
There will be news about George W Bush and his weepy father (George HW Bush) that's going through his first stages of dementia, there will be updates about Condi Rice and how much I hate her, there will be laughter, there will be tears, there will be news about children's beauty pageants, like this one!:

love,
katie