TUPAC LIVES

Listen up, you guys:
You should be so jealous of me right now! I had a good day (shocking!) and am now listening to Tupac rhymes, live on my laptop, WHAT?? God I fucking LOVE Tupac these days. It's a shame that he faked his death and now he's living in the Canary Islands, with Biggie, playing canasta and frolicking on the beach and laughin' at all the haterz. He still releases a new album on ITunes like every month, that's a totally industrious fake dead person, for REAL, son.
I'm exhausted and can't write or think or be awake anymore. If this blog post were to be rated in some category it would be definitely in the Worst Of category. Yeah, Tupac is totally pedestrian, huh? Well fuck that, I love him. I'd paste a youtube video from "Tupac: Resurrection" right now but I'm too busy listening to "Only God Can Judge Me" and I'm too much in the zone with it to pause the song. So what? Tupac is where I find my joy right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at him, he's fuckin beautiful, dude. I almost can't handle it anymore!
Some people are too excellent for this goddamn garbage dump of a world that we live in, so they faked their own deaths and now live in the Canary Islands as fake dead people: JFK, Tupac, Bob Hope, Jonbenet Ramsay, Dolly Parton, Thurgood Marshall, Jared from Subway, Strom Thurmond, Abraham Lincoln, Jesus, etc etc. The list goes on and on and on. All of those people decided to bail on fame and become anonymous citizens and our world is worse off because of it. Let's just realize that death is bad and I'm mad at God and I HATE HIM! I HATE GOD FOR (FAKE) KILLING TUPAC!
LOVE
KATIE

I'm trying to figure out if this one boy at school has a crush on me or not.
How can you tell? I need boy advice!

Hi guys, I'm blogging in class right now because I don't give a shit about anything today.
Last night I was talking on the phone with my mom for a while and accidentally drank too much wine, so now my day is all about pizza and facebook and wanting to take a nap. Oh and also I wrote a bunch of weird emails to people last night after I drank too much wine, so if you received one of those I apologize.
Also I spent approximately $700 on itunes today.
Also look at this picture of me and my cousin's dog:

That dog is a cutie patoot and I ain't jokin around about that!
love
katie

NOBODY WANTS BUGS, EVER

I just googled "get rid of the bugs in my Mac laptop" and some scary shit popped up. So, no gettin rid of the bugs on this machine this evening! Or maybe, while referring to bugs on a computer, they're called viruses. It's like an STD: if you fuck around with the wrong website, there will be icky repercussions.
I don't really know about any of that right now because I went to a party tonight! And it was fun and I had some drinks and therefore my brain capacity is impaired! That's the point of parties, I think!
Anyways, nobody wants bugs, ever.
Love
Katie
p.s. Our new president's first State of the Union address was THE BOMB, wasn't it?

CREATIVE SOLUTIONS

You guys, listen to this!
Okay so if there is ever a mice problem in the law school library in the near future, I think how I'd deal with it is that I'd buy a bunch of snakes and let the snakes eat the mice. Then if the snakes got out of hand, scaring people too much and whatnot, I'd probably buy some owls and let the owls eat the snakes! Or, alternatively, the owls will probably eat the mice too. So maybe we don't need snakes, snakes are expensive anyways. We can just cut out the middle man (the middle man being the snakes.) And then so we probably wouldn't have to ever get rid of the owls because they can just hang out, they're nocturnal and therefore sleep all day and probably wouldn't be a problem. So they can just sit there in the library and sleep when they're not hunting mice at night. However, if the owls become a problem (if they start biting people for instance, or if they screech too loud, thereby interrupting people while they're trying to study, or if the owls' stares become too menacing and they start to freak everyone out) we can probably buy some bears to eat the owls. That could possibly get dangerous, though, especially around hibernation time (bears get really crabby then). So maybe we could just buy some guns and shoot the owls and there ya go, no more owl problem.
Thanks,
Katie

Hi, do you guys want to hear about how I hate everything and that I have tons of problems because I actively chose to apply and then was accepted to law school and now as a result I am enrolled and matriculating at the aforementioned law school? COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN, that's all that I do these days. I complain about it like I'm a hostage that's duct-taped to a folding chair in some Hezbollah-funded makeshift prison in Lebanon. Like someone's gonna chop my head off and it will be recorded on grainy video and posted on Al Jazeera for all the world to see. That's how dramatic I'm being about it lately. What a joy to be around, let me tell ya.
Today I was talking to a couple of my classmates about how it's a travesty that we don't have health insurance even though we're upstanding members of society, and maybe we're important enough for the government to protect our basic health and well-being. It's a compelling interest for the government to provide such important people with the means necessary to conduct our daily business, we should be able to get prescriptions to deal with bronchitis and pink eye and etc etc, oh aren't we awesome that we read 80 pages of dense legal analysis every day. And then I was like, "We're law students, it's not like we're heroin junkies that are laying around in an abandoned building, totally wasting our time!"
Then I realized that I'm becoming a smug, awful lawyer and our little exclusive lawyer club is the reason that the world sucks. I think that I hate lawyers! Law school turns nice people into mean people and lawyers run the disastrous and unfeeling world that we live in and lawyers are the reason why there are wars! I do NOT want to become a warmonger! Someone please send help or organize an intervention soon, pretty please with sugar on top!
love
katie

Turns out that the boy I'm crushin on has a girlfriend. Oh well, fuck it, I'm so busy trying not to fail miserably at school that I'll probably be sex-free for the next two and a half years anyways.
I know that bitterness is unbecoming of a young lady such as myself but it's not like I'm watching soap operas and baking muffins all day. Learning how to be a lawyer puts me in a BAD MOOD ya'll and I am NOT CUTE anymore.
thanks
katie

I OFFICIALLY HATE THE OSCARS

Who wins the award for Best Oscar Film Montage?
Pointless, all of it!

DEAR OSCAR CEREMONY PRODUCERS:

How long will it be until you completely eliminate all categories like Best Short Film (snore) and Best Animated Short Film (double snore) and Best Sound (ack, coma time) to make more room for people like Seth Rogen and Ben Stiller to tell their dumb jokes for extended periods of time because they will never get nominated for Oscars but they have to be somehow included in the ceremony because people becoming exponentially less interested in art and more interested in broad comedies at an alarming rate?
I give it like two years.
Thanks,
katie
p.s. this Beyonce/Hugh Jackman performance makes no sense and they are really awkward, like they've never rehearsed it together before.

TROUBLE EVERY DAY

There's another cat that lives here, and she's really pretty but kinda spooky, like Angelina Jolie. I just never know what's up with this cat, she's way too mysterious and also seems to be "over it" all of the time. Whereas my fat, disabled, pathetic feline is constantly trying to crawl into my lap and lick my neck and shove her sizable girth all up in my business all of the time, the other cat slinks on by, throws me an unapproving glance, and then goes back under the couch. She really has no time for me or my triflin' ways.
So this morning I was eating cereal and watching Meet the Press, and this other cat runs up from out of nowhere and just stares and stares at me, licking her lips almost. I think she really wanted the milk in my cereal but I'm not sure. That's probably it, though, because why would she all of the sudden take an interest in my life or anything that I do? So then I got a little scared, like she wanted the milk so bad that she was about to attack me and bite my eyes and hands in order to knock the bowl away from me so that she could pour all of that succulent milk into her greedy mouth! Then I ran into the kitchen!
Love
Katie

Dear Law School,
I hate you, you make me puke!

Thanks,
Katie

I accidentally did a really inappropriate thing the other day.
There's a security guard at my school, and I think he might be a little bit autistic (which is immaterial in terms of the following story, but I thought I should mention it anyways.) He's super nice and I like talking to him, and our conversations are usually about Curtis Mayfield. He loves Curtis Mayfield and is constantly listening to Curtis Mayfield songs and watching Curtis Mayfield videos on youtube. Superfly and whatnot. We've talked about Superfly approximately one million times, and I always say, "I totally loved that movie the time that I saw it after a party one night!" And then he talks about the same certain parts of Superfly that he loves. And the Superfly Live Curtis Mayfield performance. And how Superfly is totally "Never a dude like this one! He's got a plan to stick it to The Man!" But it's a good time, I totally like talking to our security guard and he's a solid guy. He keeps our school safe, which is very important!
So, the security guard and I had this whole friendship going on, right? So the other day we both end up standing in front of the vending machines at school at the same time, and he's like "I shouldn't eat this stuff, I'm gonna get fat." And then I'm like, "Don't worry about it, you have a really nice body!" I totally didn't mean to say that and it was really inappropriate. Now every time I see him he avoids my eye contact and doesn't talk to me anymore, about Superfly or anything else.
So, yeah, thinking before speaking is pretty important I guess because I think that he doesn't like me anymore!
love
katie

This has been the longest week of my life and I'm so tired that my eyes fell out and rolled onto the floor and then my arms and legs fell off, too. So I'm pretty much fucked right now, just laying here like a useless stump on the ground, waiting for someone to come and stand on my throat to put me out of my misery. Or maybe they could shove my limbless torso into a garbage bag and tie it up and then throw me into the river. Goodbye, cruel world! On my tombstone please write "Katie Bruggeman: She Hated Law School."
Also I have this massive crush on a boy at school and am so incredibly awkward around him that it's totally pathetic. I can't even speak when he's around. I just sit there and stutter and sweat like a pig and say stupid shit about how I think this kid in my class has Down's Syndrome. Which is just dumb, everyone knows that they don't let Down's Syndrome people into law school (Down's Syndrome people usually go to grad school for psychology).
But yeah, lately it's like someone forced me into a time machine and I time-traveled back to when I was thirteen years old and had braces and my hair looked like an unkempt wig. This current debilitating crush kind of reminds me of a scene in Pump Up The Volume, where Christian Slater and that goth girl kind of stand around super awkwardly, and Christian Slater totally wants to mack down on her but he has absolutely no game when he's not DJing on his pirate radio station. So he just stands there like, "Um, wow, I want to jump out the window now okay bye!"
All in all, tonight sucks and I'm so tired that I can't even drag myself up the stairs to go to bed. So I'll probably just lay here for a couple of weeks until I die of starvation and the cat starts eating my body, but then the cat stops and spits it out because she's like "Gross, this person has obviously been eating way too many vegan burritos lately."

love
katie

Here's a picture of what my locker at school is like right now:

It's also a pretty accurate depiction of what's going on in my brain.
Thanks,
Katie

Dear Everyone,
There's a pile of matted fur on the street by my house right now, I think at one point it may have been a dog*. That's pretty depressing, huh? It's been there for days. The Chinese people that live in this neighborhood keep driving over it all of the time. This morning I saw that chunky pelt on the street and was like, "Of course that's still here, Chinese people are selfish." And they're also efficient. Perhaps that observation is racist as well as confusing, and for that I'm sorry. I'm kinda drunk right now after going to the bar with some of my classmates. And the rest, my friends, is Tragic Hayrides history!
I will probably constantly update this bitch all night long tonight, because I'm too drunk to do homework and too awake to go to bed.

*The dog is probably not "Stump," the oldest dog to ever win the Westminster Dog Show. He's probably havin' sex in the champagne room right now to celebrate his legendary victory!

p.s. do NOT do a google image search for "stump," there are some REALLY GROSS PICTURES that come up.

Okay, I know that I've already posted this clip on my old blog, but I just saw it on television again and it's a terrible commercial and it just makes me mad:

I actually said out loud, "Oh fuck you, Jane Seymour."
love
katie

I go to the hippiest, most progressive law school in the city, or perhaps it's the hippiest, most progressive law school in America. I personally really like it that way! The New York Post has written scathing articles about my school, saying things like "CUNY Is Breeding Terror-Loving Lawyers," because some of our faculty have been outspoken against the illegal prison at Guantanamo Bay. Things like that.

So it was really funny when I was in the hallway today and overheard the following conversation:
Head of Security: "Basically we need to angle one of the lights outside so that it illuminates the American flag more."
Security Guard: "Okay, we can do that."
Head of Security: "But be careful, though, because that particular spot light is really bright and hot, and it could possibly start the flag on fire if we don't watch it closely."

I think it would be really funny if there was, like, a burning American flag on the lawn outside of my school. Maybe we can get another story in the paper!


love
katie

I love this!:

Let's go see it, we can smuggle in booze and candy!

Good news everyone, I am ovulating! And it's just in time for a quiz that we're taking in my Family Law class tomorrow, it's all about the Supreme Court abortion cases! Super cheerful subject matter!
Well, it's a good thing that I'm not having anything remotely close to sex these days, because Gonzales v Carhart might have some different connotations, ya know? Like, I'd be sitting in class, writing short answers about partial birth abortion, wondering if they had real-life applications to my particular uterus. Right now my ovaries are like, "why should we even bother with this whole dog and pony show? We're going to Florida for vacation, let us know when we should come back and feel appreciated, like we're finally contributing something in life madame!"

Also, ABC revealed it's new cast for Dancing With The Stars tonight. Apple's Steve Wozniak will be one of the dancers! I might even tune in this season to watch his jiggling disaster of a body as he drags himself through whatever ridiculous acrobatics they do on that show.

I hope that they make him do the splits, that will be exciting, like a science experiment!

Also, I feel really bad for Australia right now because apparently the whole country is on fire. I hope that the kangaroos don't get their fur all singed in the blazes! That would probably smell really bad. Burnt fur = icky smell.

love
katie

I was just walking down to the store to buy some Gatorade and a car that was parked had a bumper sticker that said "Jesus Died For My Sins And Yours." But, like, I didn't ask him to do that or anything. That's sort of his deal, you know?


Also, it's the Westminster Dog Show in New York this weekend. I kind of want to go to see all of those weird dogs, but it probably smells like poop in there. Too many dogs in one place. It's like the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina, only they have lights and running water and a bunch of psychotic rich white people with too much time on their hands.

love
katie

I saw the most exciting thing on the subway yesterday! Some would even call it "MAGICAL."
So I was sitting there in the subway car and this guy in a top hat and cape walked in there a dirty little cart on wheels. It was covered in filthy red velvet! First, he banged on an old rusty can to get our attention. Then he pulled out a clear plastic box and showed it to all of us, like "hey there's nothing inside of this thing!" He put it back in the cart and then pulled it out again and there was a LIVE RABBIT in it!! Next, he pulled out a velvet bag that was covered in cat hair or something, and was like, "check it out, there's nothing in this bag either!" Then he put it back in the cart and rummaged around in there for a while and took the bag out again and there was a BIRD IN THE BAG! After those tricks he staggered through the subway car with the car hair bag to beg people for money, and I thought that I should probably give him a couple of bucks so that he could buy food for those animals so that they don't starve to death, but I didn't have any spare change. I hope they're okay!
So, yeah, magic tricks are very cool, I think.
love
katie

Okay you guys, tonight I'm gonna talk about ANIMALS again!
For instance, check out this little dude:

What a total weirdo, huh??
Well, I think that he's an anomaly. Look at that bill on him, and the fur too! Plus, what's up with the holes in his nose? Are they nostrils or what? I don't get it at all. I mean, he's totally cute and everything, but some people like that idiot "Kirk Cameron" are Evangelical Christians and prance around talking about "intelligent design." I think that the duck-billed platypus is an argument against that theory, because it's not very intelligent to make an animal that's so fucking confusing. It's like, what's up Jesus? Are you retarded with making animals or what?
Some day I think I'd like to live on a ranch that's filled with exotic and weird and adorable creatures, like duck-billed platypuses (platypi?), and red pandas:

This little guy is obviously not a panda bear, he sort of looks like a raccoon, but he's a higher class of animal (not to be racist or anything). But see, I think that this is another confusing animal, or maybe the nomenclature is inaccurate. He sort of looks like a red raccoon/fox hybrid. Okay, so he will DEFINITELY live at my Exotic Animal Ranch and doesn't even have to pay rent!
Another animal that's invited is the classiest of sea mammals, the Glorious Manatee. Look at this shit:


She's waving at you, how charming! She's all, "Come on down to Katie's Exotic Animal Ranch! We'll treat ya like god, ya little son of a bitch! I made you some casserole!" Some scientists (that shall remain nameless) refer to manatees as "sea cows", but I think that's a derogatory term which will NEVER be uttered at my ranch.
The other necessary phylum of creatures that will live at my ranch is a rare species called The Stay-At-Home-Dad. Observe him in his natural habitat IF YOU DARE:

Life is very difficult for him, it's like a side show attraction! Apparently women are way better at raising children because we have boobs and a vagina and therefore we inherently know how to change diapers and shit, dude!
Anyway, come down to my fucking ranch!
love
katie

First of all, isn't it fuckin HILARIOUS that George W. Bush can never be held legally accountable for all of his many mistakes that he made as President, because he redefined the powers given to the Executive Branch? He's like, "Suck it, Founders of the Constitution! There's a new sheriff in town, and he'd rather be clearin' brush and wearin' a sweat-stained cowboy hat instead of adherin' to the strict confines of what his powers should be, YEE HAW! Let's torture people and make 'em throw that Ko-ran down the latrine!" Please pardon my insolence regarding our former president, I spent this evening doing research on his many Executive Orders and how they're all considered classified information. Post-9/11, doncha know. Even the Supreme Court doesn't get to see the torturous actions he's taken against detainees in secret prisons all over the world, they're called "black sites." Some experts speculate that he's approved the same kind of interrogation tactics that were popular with dictators like Pol Pot and, our nation's favorite scapegoat, Saddam Hussein. YEE HAW! LET'S DESTROY THE CONSTITUTION!

Also, I came up with a new "yo mama's so fat" joke tonight. It goes, "Yo mama's so fat that she eats food all the time, like, every day! And it's probably really fattening food, too! Like frozen pizza and ice cream sandwiches!"

Okay, good night. I'm going to sleep now, and will have many dreams about waterboarding! It's legal, and therefore I can't designate it as a nightmare!

love
katie

I just was on the internet and read some statistics about Tibetan monks. Apparently they can lay in the snow naked for seven days without eating, drinking water, or breathing. And then they're still alive at the end of it!
It leads me to believe that I lack a certain amount of discipline, because I can't even sit through an entire movie without getting up to go to the bathroom at least once. It's a little bit problematic; I miss parts of the story and am always worried that the movie theater employees are going to ask me for my ticket stub when I try to reenter the theater after going pee (which, I mean, I lose the ticket stub immediately pretty much all of the time.)
I wonder what Tibetan monks do when they're at the movies? They're probably like, "Thank god I'm not laying naked in the snow right now!"
Even if it's they're watching this fuckin movie:

Although, the Tibetan monks would probably be like, "Yo, this thing SUCKS."
love
katie

Hey, I could say something a little bit antagonistic right now, like "why do people get so dramatic about the Holocaust all the time? LET IT GO."
Anyways, I've been staying up really late all the time lately without even meaning to. I'm just hangin' out, mindin' my biz, drinking grain alcohol and watching my old VHS recordings of "Cops," and all of the sudden it's after midnight. How does that happen all of the time? Is Queens in the epicenter of a time-sucking wormhole? Who knows these days.
Here's something interesting that I found in my email tonight:

See, I'm a subscriber to the North American Fishing Organization e-newsletter, and that clip won for the funniest fishing commercial of the year. I don't really get why it's the funniest one, do you?
p.s. don't sign up for the North American Fishing Organization e-newsletter unless you're really into fishing, because otherwise their shit is just more spam in your box.
love,
katie

Here's me missing all of the Super Bowl parties so that I can sit here in this fucking library and read about "summary judgment," ack:

Have fun with your beer and chicken wings, Americans! If anyone needs me I'll be down here in the library again, feeling sorry for myself.
Go Steelers,
Katie