IT'S BEEN A WHILE, I'M SORRY

And that is pretty much the exact same phrase that I begin every phone conversation with these days.
I am off the grid! (And by "off the grid" I mean that I no longer have any contact with human beings that don't go to my school.)
So, life has been crazy lately, and I've certainly been drinking my share of Johnny Walker Red and I've also been doing my share of studying at law school and gettin fuckin A's on everything, bitch!
(I'm sorry to call you bitch, I really like you and calling someone bitch isn't very nice at all.)
There have been lots of exciting things going on in my life though. For instance, I MET SOMEONE AND WE HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE! He's super cute and loves to give me attention, but he doesn't talk much. Well, whatever, I talk enough for the both of us! He loves to listen to my theories about how everyone should be scared of extraterrestrials and about how the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse showed up at the Kentucky Derby this year and also that people can get HIV from nail salons and he really finds it interesting that I will forever be opposed to everything that happens on the International Space Station. Last night I told him that I think my roommate is a serial killer and he just squished up his nose all adorable-like, which I take to mean that he totally loves to hear my voice.
Here's a picture of him:

Also, he totally understands why I think Whitney Houston is an undercover CIA agent and that fresh-water fishing will save our civilization after the shit goes down, He also agrees with me that Melanie Griffith is from a mutant stem cell species that was bred in an underground lair where the government did crazy experiments with breeding humans. And I just whisper to him all night about how I hate the Jews (I don't really hate the Jews I just hate Israel) and about how sometimes people can be rude on the bus, and then there's all that stuff about how I think that Tupac and Biggie and Saddam Hussein and Hitler are still alive and hangin' out in Micronesia, just mindin their own beeswax and avoiding fame, because fame traps people into a special prison that only personal trainers and good cocaine can make life plausible, at best.
I'm losing my mind but I still love you guys,
-katie

KEYBOARD CAT!

(I ripped this off from www.chiefmag.com, thanks hipsters!)

I AM THE BEN FRANKLIN OF BLOGGERS!

For instance, just like Benjamin Franklin I write quotable proverbs all of the time, like this one:
"Pull yourself up by the bootstraps! I pull myself up by the bootstraps all of the time, but the straps of my boots are very small and not visible (they're made out of dental floss.)"
Also, like Ben Franklin, I drink tons of booze and create inventions. He invented electricity and I invented a toaster oven that's powered by solar panels, so that you can take that toaster oven on camping trips. Toast is always a good idea!
The only difference between me and Ben Franklin is that he contracted tons of STDs from French prostitutes, and I contracted my STDs while working on the carnival circuit.
Just kidding! I don't have any STDs!

(p.s. I have a MAJOR PHOBIA of getting struck by lightning, unlike Ben Franklin because obviously he loves to get struck by lightning, that was like his "thing.")
love
katie

"CLASSIC" "ROCK"

Dear Classic Rock Radio Station,
System of a Down is NOT classic rock. It is neither "classic", nor is it "rock."
So stop playing System of a Down songs all of the time. Listening to the radio is free, but I would pay lots of money to not hear System of a Down ever again in my life.
Thanks,
Katie

THE GREYHOUND BUS COMPANY IS MY ENEMY NOW

You guys, I had a terrible Greyhound bus experience yesterday.
The morning started out awesome, I was all packed up and headed for Boston to see some awesome and beloved friends! We had plans to catch up and do fun things and generally everything was supposed to go really well!
But then I missed my 9 o'clock bus. And then I finally arrived at Port Authority at 11:30 to catch the noon bus, and there was a total log jam of customer service, and I realized that everyone that rides the 'Hound is either fleeing some bail-bond situation or some other dysfunctional mess. The man in front of me, reacting to the slowness of the line, said "I was in jail for five years and I got more respect there than I do on the outside." Okay. Well good luck to you, jailbird.
So I finally got up to the front of the line and I was STARVING because I went to an open bar party on a friggen boat the night before and didn't eat dinner on the boat and etc etc I needed to eat, but I also needed to get on the bus to go to Boston. So then the Greyhound lady was like, "You're going to Albany, right?" and I'm like, "No, I went there last spring and Albany is so depressing that I will never go to that godforsaken city again." And she was all, "Well, you have no ticket to go to Boston." So despite the fact that I booked a ticket online for $40, I had to buy another ticket. No big deal, at least I was gonna go see my friends!
Then I ran to the bus with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a fuckin muffin in a bag (because I don't trust any perishable food that they sell at the Port Authority bus depot) and I looked for my phone to tell my friends in Boston that I'm on the bus, I'll be there at 4 instead of noon, and then I realized that I totally forgot my phone at my house! THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A MAJOR PROBLEM. All that I had was my laptop and had no internet signal and there was no way for me to contact them at all. Then I fell asleep on the bus for a little while even though there were all of these weird people on there, spitting on the ground and swearing at each other in Spanish and all of this crazy shit.
Then we arrived in Boston at 4:30 and at the bus station in Boston I was able to get an internet signal for like five seconds, and wrote on my friend's Facebook wall that I was there and would wait for them at the "entrance at South Station." So, I waited for like two hours. Those two hours were fucking awful. One crackhead lady came up to me and lunged at my laptop and she was only wearing a t-shirt and shorts, even though it was like 35 degrees outside. She said some confusing stuff about dragons or something. Another little strange man kept on trying to talk to me while he was holding court in front of the bus station, like, "Smile! Don't worry, they'll come to pick you up!" I really wanted to say, "No shit, Sherlock, if they knew that I was here with the likes of you vagrants they'd be here in a heartbeat but I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE WITH ME AND I CAN'T CALL THEM, so back off!" I called my best friend from a pay phone because her number is the only one that I have memorized, and I left her a voicemail and then called her back from that payphone after spending an hour with "the homeless" outside of the bus station, and she totally ran interference and called my friends in Boston for me. Apparently my beloved Boston friends were waiting in a different area outside of the bus station for like an hour, or more. In the meantime, while I was on that payphone I remembered several news stories that I heard about how payphones are riddled with germs and tons of toxic bacteria and then I imagined that I could get like pinkeye and ebola and salmonella and other nefarious infectious diseases from the pay phone receiver. Then I was convinced that my ear was probably going to rot and fall off of my head very soon.
Oh and also while I was in front of the Boston bus station, another member of "The Homeless" was doing all of these very exuberant and intricate karate kicks and air-punches like he was in some fucking Jackie Chan movie and he almost kicked me in the face while shouting, "I'll kill all of you, ALL OF YOU TONIGHT!"
Needless to say, at 7:30 I boarded a bus back to New York and tried to stop crying about how depressed I was about the whole situation. While attempting to read for my Family Law class I heard some huge African-American man in the back of the bus scream into his cell phone, "YOU'RE A FUCKING SLUT, YOU HO! SLUT!" That conversation went on for a while. Apparently they have some problems in their relationship. Coincidentally, the Family Law reading that I was catching up on was about domestic violence. Fate rears its ugly head again! I finally arrived back at Port Authority in Manhattan at midnight and took a cab back to Queens and it cost me $35. So, I spent a grand total of $160 to hang out at the bus station in Boston for two hours. FAIL.
I might try to go back to Boston next weekend to have Easter dinner with my friends there, but at this point I'm a bit gun-shy about the Greyhound busses, Boston, and families.
Also, do you guys remember when no one had cell phones? HOW DID WE MAKE OUR LIVES WORK WITHOUT CELL PHONES??
Love
Katie

HOME PERMS

Hi,
There's a girl in my class at school that has very pretty and naturally curly hair, and sometimes I look at her hair while I'm in class and I'm like, "I want that kind of hair!"
So I was just conducting a little bit of internet research because I think that I want to perm my hair soon, but the evidence that I found about perms is totally awful and I refuse to subject any part of my body to such toxic chemicals.
This is a cautionary tale! Do not try a home perm unless you want to look like this:

HE IS OBVIOUSLY A HOME PERM VICTIM.
love,
katie

YOU'RE EATIN' GOOD IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: APPLEBEE'S

Hello to you, my goddamn internet friends!
Tonight I had a martini for the first time in my life, and it was at an Applebee's restaurant inside of a mall!
Martinis are gross!
love
katie

THIS IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN HAD NO TALENT AND ALSO LOVED MATH: (AND ALSO IF HIS VOICE SOUNDED LIKE MEATLOAF'S VOICE)

A LOAF OF BREAD, A CONTAINER OF MILK, AND A STICK OF BUTTER

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!

You guys,
This is my favorite holiday! I have compiled some pretty awesome April Fool's Day pranks over the years! I'll let you in on my secret tricks, if that's the sort of thing that you like to do:

QUICKSAND TRICK
1. Figure out who you're going to play the prank on.
2. Get a shovel, a shitload of quicksand*, some sod, and $500 in gold bricks.
3. Go to the person's house when they're not home, or possibly fast asleep. I usually go there at like 3am, just to be safe.
4. Dig an 8 foot by 6 foot trench in their backyard.
5. Fill the trench with quicksand and then cover it with sod.
6. Put the gold bricks on the other side of the sod.
7. Hide in the bushes for a while and wait for them to discover that gold.
8. They see it now! Then they let their greed get the best of them and trust that their lawn is safe and that there's no way that they could possibly get tricked into falling into a trench full of quicksand!
9. They fall into the quicksand. If no one is around to see them struggle, they probably fight it and try to escape for a while, and then slowly but surely they sink to the bottom of the trench!
10. Break into their house, steal all of the valuables (jewelry, flat-screen television, important documents that you can use to steal their identity and abscond funds from their bank accounts after doing some major computer hacking into databases and whatnot, plus then find their most expensive clothes, their fancy microwave, etc.) Hey, you can steal whatever you want because that bitch is forehead-deep in quicksand and probably suffocating! Like they'll notice that you're looting their house?
11. Celebrate your victory by raiding their liquor cabinet of the finest scotch that you can find, dispose of the shovel, wipe off your fingerprints from when you broke into the house, and proceed to the pawn shop or "fence" so that you can sell all of their shit!

See, now THAT is a funny trick! I have several others, like the MICE IN THE TUPPERWARE trick and the SWEATPANTS THUNDER trick and, my personal favorite, the STEAL UNDERGRAD TRANSCRIPTS TO MAKE THEM A MORTUARY SCIENCE MAJOR trick!

love
katie

p.s. Here's a website about how quicksand works: http://www.howstuffworks.com/quicksand.htm

I BOUGHT THIS APPLE AND IT'S TOO PRETTY TO EAT

So, I think I'll just stare at it instead.
Thanks,
Katie

MORE FUN THAN PLAYING GOLF

THANK GOD: FINALLY!!!

Just yesterday I was thinking, "when's another fuckin Tom Hanks movie about the Illuminati gonna come out??"

WHOOMP HAIR IT IS!!!

LICK LICK LICK

CRONCH CRONCH CRONCH

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I HAVE NO-EYE DEER!

Matt Lauer Hit By Deer on Long Island While Biking
9:15 PM EDT, March 23, 2009

"Today" show co-host Matt Lauer, who injured his shoulder on Long Island this past weekend after a mishap with a deer while bicycling, may be back on the air by the end of the week, an NBC spokeswoman said.
The incident forced Lauer to miss Monday's show, NBC reported.
"He was riding his bike over the weekend and he had a run-in with a deer," co-host Meredith Vieira said, according to the NBC Web site report.

Well, if I were that deer I'd probably attack Matt Lauer, too. I'd probably kick him in the eyes with my sharp, cloven hooves!
sincerely,
katie

THE KING OF PLOP

Apparently Michael Jackson, in preparation for his upcoming world tour, just spent an additional $50,000 on plastic surgery. Also, his nose FELL OFF OF HIS FACE last summer!
He was probably like, "Oh no, my nose just fell into my gold-leaf and caviar ice cream sundae! PLOP."

It's a disease, apparently!
love
katie

ME GO PEE-PEE IN YOUR COKE

Someday I'm going to open up a Chinese restaurant and call it Wonton Disregard for Human Life.
Bye!

EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS

I was in a very weird mood last night and as a result I joined a bunch of bizarre groups on Facebook, including but not limited to:
1. Jim Varney fan club
2. Uriah Heep fan club
3. Bruce Villanche fan club
4. Evangelical Christians
I don't really worry about the fallout from joining any of the groups besides Evangelical Christians. Jim Varney fans, for instance, are probably too distracted developing dementia to call anyone out on being ironic about him on Facebook. Evangelical Christians are a whole other can of worms. I was just thinking about it, like "do I have any photos in my profile that those Christians could possibly harass me about?" I'm just glad that I deleted that photo where I was performing an abortion in Mexico!

I AM SICK OF YOU, SETH ROGEN!

I don't care how funny a person is or how charming or self-deprecating. This is about over-saturation. He needs to take a vacation or get mired in an embarrassing scandal or barely survive a drug overdose.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, SETH ROGEN. I am sick of seeing your wispy, unshaven face every time I turn on the television or log onto the internet. It's just greedy now, leave a little bit of fame to some other chubby dude that probably has some problems with body odor and dandruff. Go away!
I mean, he is in every movie lately! Now I think that there are video editing programs that can insert him into movies that he didn't even act in!

Thanks,
Katie

NECK DEEP IN THE STRUGGLE, CHILDREN

I spent the bulk of my day (nine hours, to be exact) learning about civil procedure. For those of you that aren't familiar with civil procedure, consider yourselves lucky. Sure, it's a cornerstone of legal education: it's all about subject matter jurisdiction and personal jurisdiction and which plaintiff can file claims in which states and how venue is important and oh yes, O'Connor's opinion in Asahi is very important. But christ almighty is this shit boring! I hate it. So, I did that and then at 10:30 tonight I rewarded myself by reading a little bit about family law, the constitutionality of gay marriage. My life is now based in the little joys of reading beautiful judicial opinions about how it's wrong to deprive rights from huge groups of people.
Last night I got back from a mini-vacation in Minnesota, where I was lucky enough to spend some quality time with my best friends in Minneapolis and some other quality time with my dad in Duluth. I think that my dad is one of the funniest people in the world. He tells stories like, "When I was at Macalester College I lived in a disgusting house with a bunch of guys, and we had this terrible cat. It would pee on the couch and bite people and hiss at us. So one day one of my roommates took the cat on a ride in the car and tossed that thing off of a bridge. No more cat!"
I also spent two hours with my ex-boyfriend that I think I want to spend the rest of my life with, which is sort of insane. We had a very turbulent relationship when I was 19 - 21, and it was filled with crazy highs and tragic lows and we were very much in love, in between when he was in jail or when we'd break up during mushroom trips in Las Vegas and I'd end up walking back to the hotel by myself because he was being extremely weird and challenging drug lords to fights over missing packs of cigarettes. He was also constantly giving me flowers and was fascinated by the most interesting and weird things, and when I was with him I felt like the goddamn prettiest girl in all of the land. We have both grown up now, and what was once unmanageable has softened into something good and grownup, and I am convinced that he is the one for me!
This probably doesn't sound like the best of ideas but I don't really have time to explain why he is my soul mate. I think my soul-mate theory is based mostly on the fact that I am arguably a shade manic-depressive (yet still undiagnosed, go me!) and also an incurable optimist, and the fact that he is extremely handsome and smart and funny and awesome and creative and when we are together it's still the same as when we were first together and first fell in love in the most intense and fantastic way.
There are some roadblocks to this partnership, because now he is completely sober (and I'm currently drinking my third beer of the night) and also because he lives in Minneapolis and I will probably forever be shackled to New York City or its environs. It really doesn't change the fact that, since we hung out on Saturday, I am pretty much constantly fantasizing about what my wedding dress will look like when we get married. Yikes, now THAT'S really something that a person that I'm not even dating anymore would love to read on the internet! Someone should lock me up in a mental institution like RIGHT NOW, for serious you guys!
So, that's what's up with me these days.
love
katie

FACEBOOK

Facebook is sorta bumming me out these days, you guys. I mean I love being able to get in touch with friends that I've had since 3rd grade (Rhea, I'm talkin' about YOU!) but sometimes the status updates are a bit annoying. Like tonight this girl was like:
"I am hungry!"
Okay, so what am I supposed to do with that information? Do you need me to come over and provide you with food, like you're an infant? Do you need me to change your diapers and burp you as well? Maybe give you a bath in the sink while I'm at it? And if you're an infant, how the fuck did you get on the internet? Who is taking care of you, what with your lack of food and apparently unsupervised access to the web? If you're so desperate and hungry that you can't provide yourself with basic essentials, like meals, how do you even have a computer? How can you pay your internet bills? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE THAT YOU'RE COMPLAINING TO EVERYONE ABOUT HOW YOU'RE SO HUNGRY? Like I give a shit about it. Get off of your computer and go make yourself some toast or something.
There are literally millions of people in this country that are hungry, too, and they don't have computers, or internet access. I'd imagine if they did have a chance to get on-line first they'd jump up and down for joy that they have this luxury, and then maybe next they'd start looking for a job or something. I don't really know what they'd do. It would probably take them a little bit of time to figure out this whole nefarious internet situation. Maybe they'd watch porn first? That's what I would do, frankly.
However, they probably wouldn't open a Facebook account and start airing their business for all of the world to see, like
"My kids and I are starving, our public assistance check doesn't come for another two weeks and all that we have is six packs of ramen noodles to feed eight people. How will we survive this? My job as shift manager at Kentucky Fried Chicken provides us a 20% employee discount on chicken and biscuits, but with so little money coming in I literally cannot take care of my family. Poverty is a wrenching, grinding experience. I am choosing Facebook as my platform to air my grievances about it, thanks."
No way, Jose. They would not do that!!!
So yeah, the mundane and time-wasting complaints that you post as your Facebook status updates? GROW UP! Maybe you'd be better off creating a Fresh Direct account so that you can figure out how to feed yourself. You know, instead of complaining to all of your Facebook friends about how you're hungry.
Keep it real,
Katie

YOU'LL PROBABLY GET A STAPH INFECTION IF YOU WORK OUT AT A GYM

Dear Everyone,
I went running today and it makes me so happy and hyper and energized about life! I seriously LOVE IT. I may become addicted, which will be another thing that I'm addicted to besides law school, having crushes, being too overly ambitious and stressed out, cigarettes, wine, The Wire, my mom, and weird things.
Today I went running outside and the weather was overcast but not too cold, and as I ran around that track I just felt so good, like "Yes, I am doing this, I am running, my muscles are working hard for the first time in way too long, there are birds out here, and oxygen, my life is awesome, yes, fabulous, okay!"
In the past when I worked out it was super boring, because I was inside a stuffy room, on a treadmill, and stared and I stared at the wall in front of me and the numbers as they ticked past: heart rate, distance, seconds minutes hours, what have you. The whole time totally wishing that I was anywhere but inside the constricting atmosphere of the gym. It is a terrible way to exercise, in a claustrophobic environment that is positively crawling with germs!
A couple of years ago there was a special on the local news about gyms, how there is way more bacteria on an eliptical machine at a public gym than there is bacteria on a city bus pole, and that people get ecoli and herpes from touching the rails on these machines at the gym! Because no one washes their hands before they work out, and then they sweat out their toxins onto these machines and then everyone is bound for the leper colony! Yuck, no thanks. I'd rather take my chances braving the elements and whatever shin splints that I will incur by running on pavement.
Recently I was in Manhattan, the most awful and intimidating of boroughs, and I walked past this luxury gym, I think it was in Union Square, and there were hundreds of treadmills right in front of huge windows, and hundreds of people that were running on the treadmills. Everything is totally visible when you have big windows like that. And as those people were running their hearts out in a place that's designed for people to run and get exercise, I said to myself "WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, AUTOMATONS!"
Realistically, though, in a capitalistic society gyms make money because they allow people to go in there and do their gym thang and everyone seems very satisfied with the system. Joining a gym is like $100 a month and you have to sign a contract for a year. A lot of people join gyms around New Years, because they feel fat and are like "Hey, let me throw some money at this problem, that will solve it!" But then that makes people feel guilty for not going because they're not getting any exercise, they're getting fatter every day, and plus they're flushing money down the toilet. It creates shame cycles and makes it harder for people to go back if they haven't gone for a while. Everyone is watching them when they finally jiggle back onto the treadmill after not being on one for like three months. So, they figure they'd rather get fat instead of endure that scrutiny. And then the Doritos make their way into the shopping cart. Plus, a little Cherry Garcia sounds good, too. Might as well throw the TGI Fridays taquitos in there. Big jar of mayonnaise? YES. Maybe I'll buy this can of Duncan Hines frosting and just eat it all night with a spoon while watching my stories?
And the shame cycle continues, everlasting.
I'd rather run outside, where there are trees and air and such. And if anyone is watching me, well, they might be the type that lurks around the outskirts of society, being voyeuristic about the world. That's on them, because they're weird.
I don't really know exactly how far I ran today, or where my heart rate was at, or how long it took me to run a certain distance, but all that I felt was joy! Free from the fetid and musty air of inside the gym! It is liberating!
Okay I'm gonna try to sleep now, if the endorphins allow me to.
love
katie

HOW DO YA LIKE THEM APPLES?

I bought an apple from the Chinese grocery store by my house the other day and the apple was FILLED WITH WORMS!
I don't know a whole lot about the Chinese culture, but if they prefer their apples with worms inside of them well then that is just really fucked up.
Thanks,
Katie

GUYS WITH PONYTAILS

I think that the funniest thing about guys with ponytails is when they're super IN to their ponytails, like they get really creative by braiding it or putting a hundred rubber bands on it.

Love
Katie

I'M GOING TO START BREEDING BATS!

Guess what you guys, I experienced an awesome surprise today!

Today somebody told me that you can make explosives out of guano (bat poop)! See, I always thought that the only thing that bats are good for is making vampires out of them. So at this point I'm all about breeding bats, because with a ready arsenal of bombs and vampires I will totally corner the market on global domination! All that I need is a dark enclosed underground area and a set of mating pairs of bats that are willing to have lots of sex with each other.
So, I just googled "bats for sale animals" (I included "animals" in the search to avoid the baseball bat problem. People sell baseball bats all of the time. Animal-bats? Not so much.)
After an exhaustive search on the internet, this is the only real lead that I got:
"You probably can't buy one but you can trap one. Here's how; get a nylon stocking, put a rock in the toe about the dia. of a quarter and tie a knot to keep it in. Now go to an open area where bats are feeding. Throw the stocking as high as you can. The bats will think it's flying food and will dive for it getting their claws stuck to the nylon. When it comes down with an entangled bat, catch it with a net."
That seems like a lot of work though. Instead I'll prolly just watch another episode of "Kath and Kim" and drink some more wine and go to bed. Like I really want to travel to some "bat-feeding area" tonight, I barely even go to see my friends in Brooklyn. Where the fuck are these bat-feeding areas anyway? Transylvania, or possibly New Jersey? No thanks! The last time that I went to New Jersey I ended up with pink eye and Legionnaire's Disease!

(Plus, this bat doesn't look like he's up for having sex with another bat or that he wants to do anything else, for that matter. This bat is obviously TERRIFIED OF LIFE. Like I need that responsibility these days, feeling guilty every time that the bat gets sad or lonesome for his bat family back at whatever cave he grew up in!)
Love
katie
p.s. sorry about all of that downer talk in my last posting about how I'm going to work with a bunch of sex offenders this summer. Who wants to read about that? Maybe other sex offenders but THAT'S IT, DUDE.

TODAY WAS A WEIRD DAY

Hi Guys,
So, to put things into context about my weird day, here's what goes on with first year law students that attempt to find jobs for the summer: it is really important for us to find legal jobs in our chosen field for the summers in between taking classes. Having a solid resume upon graduation and such. It's highly-competitive and the public interest legal jobs are usually unpaid. It's really difficult to even get an interview with non-profit groups and Legal Aid Societies. It's even harder to get an offer to work at these places. So far, I've received two offers and it is really a pretty awesome thing, actually.
One of the jobs that I could possibly take is for an agency that represents mentally ill people that are in-patients at Bronx Psychiatric Ward. Almost all of these patients have served lengthy prison sentences at Rikers Island for being convicted of murder, rape, sexual assault, what have you. What happens is that they're released from prison and then, pursuant to federal and state laws, are forced into gruesome and under-funded state-run facilities in which they're basically trapped like animals for the rest of their lives. The State seems to think that it's necessary to keep them as prisoners there even though they've already done their time in jail. There are violations of due process all over this shit. But really, I mean most of the people that are at Bronx Psychiatric have done things like killed their moms and raped children. Most of them are really bad and scary people. The office that I might be working for is on a floor of this hospital, which is convenient in terms of doing hearings on the state of their rehabilitation and the ability to work on their legal issues with them in the building. It's all about access to them as legal clients, I guess.
Today I went there, to the Bronx, and after a two hour commute through neighborhoods that looked like they're straight out of "The Wire," I took a tour of the hospital and met my possible future employers. One of the attorneys there walked me through one of the mental wards. This particular ward houses people that are mainly registered sex offenders. So there I am, in my heels and pantyhose, among people that are guilty of doing some very very bad things. A particularly awful story about one of them is that not only did he kill his mom, but then cut off her head, put it on a stick, and paraded it through the Bronx all night, all the while burying her body parts in various parks and whatnot.
It was really bizarre and scary to visit that place! The upside of it is that the attorneys are very cool. This is not work that your average progressive lawyers do. This is work that the vast majority attorneys wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. This isn't about representing illegal immigrants or battered women or neglected kids to try to help them get their lives together. This is some heavy shit that no one wants to do.
But the bottom line is that everyone in this country deserves legal representation. That's what Constitutional rights of due process are all about.
I really don't know if I'm going to take this job, though, because getting leered at and drooled over by pedophiles and rapists all summer, no matter how restrained and heavily-medicated they are, seems like a really weird way to spend the summer.
love
katie

MORE LIVEBLOGGING OF "THE BACHELOR: AFTER THE ROSE PART TWO: THE RECKONING"

10:36 Host: "Jason had a change of heart, let's welcome Molly!"
10:37 Clips of when The Host and Jason talked about how Jason couldn't stop thinking about Molly so he ended things with Melissa, his heart couldn't let go of Molly, his heart is somewhere else, with Molly. He's still in love with Molly, obviously! Then Molly walks into the studio! The live studio audience is screaming all over the place!
10:38 Molly: "What about how you proposed marriage to Melissa like two weeks ago? And you totally kicked me out of the competition and were like, get out of here, skank? We don't need you in the hot tub at the mansion anymore? And you even gave Melissa an engagement ring and such? What about my needs???"
10:39 Jason: "It was super mean for me to do that to Melissa, but I'm a sociopath, so that's all good. Let's go out for a drink!"
10:39 Molly: "I am confused. But this validation feels awesome!"
10:41 Host: "This has been exciting for everyone in America!"
10:42 Molly: "There have been lots of rumors going around, but we are real people and not actors on television! Luckily I have Jason to lean on and we're really happy, despite the fact that he obviously has some major mental problems! He is so emotionally stunted, maybe he was abused as a child?"
After the commercial break
10:47 The happy couple (Molly and Jason) are back together in the studio! They're groping each other!
10:48 Host: "You must really love her to go through all of this in public!"
10:49 Jason: "Yeah it was really weird, it's almost as if we didn't actively audition to be on these reality shows in order to be on television so that America can watch us as we pantomime a stunted and rehearsed reenactment of what dating is like in regular life!"
10:49 Jason: "We are so in love!"
10:50 (awkward kiss for the camera) Molly: "I am moving to Seattle!"
10:51 Jason: "Just be honest, that's the lesson here. We are so happy! Follow your heart! Various things that people say about the journeys that people take when they're stars of reality television dating shows!"
10:52 Host: "We're going to announce the next Bachelorette after the commercial break!"
(I am now cutting myself with a sharpened coat hanger, laying prone on the carpet in my living room)
10:55 Host: "The next Bachelorette is Jillian, and she's from Canada! And she's so much fun like most Canadians are!"

I have to go to the hospital now for the various injuries that I have caused myself while watching this show, good night!

LIVEBLOGGING "THE BACHELOR SPECIAL: AFTER THE ROSE, PART 2"

10:02 This is fucking garbage.
10:03 He keeps crying and crying, the tears making streaks in the heavy layer of bronzer that's on his face.
10:04 Okay now there's a clip of him proposing to Melissa. She looks like the Duff sisters (Hillary and Haley)
10:05 He's spinning her around saying "I love you I love you I love you!!"
10:05 Jason's back in the studio, explaining why he's in love with Melissa but can't be with her for some reason.
10:05 I think it's a repeated clip from last night? The fuck is this all about?
10:06 Melissa is PISSED while Jason explains about how he's in love with the other lady instead. Whoops! This so wasn't planned, either!
10:06 Melissa: "Don't call me, I am SO MAD AT YOU!" Storms into the limo. Crying, etc.
10:07 Jason's crying again!
10:08 Cut to Jason and Molly (the other lady) in the studio with the cyborg host of The Bachelor.
10:08 MOLLY'S GONNA GIVE JASON A CHANCE!!
10:08 Host: "This is uncharted territory, we've never before seen this on The Bachelor!"
10:08 Jason: "I am so falling in love with you Melissa, I mean Molly, and it will never stop, girl."
Commercial break, I'm gonna go and puke.
10:13 Other ladies from the season! OMG what sassy things will they have to say?
10:14 Host: "I'm stupid!"
10:14 Various observations from the rejects that haven't let go, even though they were on a completely insipid reality television show instead of an actual relationship with a man.
10:15 Bitchy one: "These are people's lives! This is a serious commitment!"
10:15 Hippie/flight attendant: "I seriously wanted to punch him through the tv screen! But he truly did love Melissa!"
10:16 Host opens up the conversation to the live studio audience. A big-boned lady's like, "Follow your heart, but he did look torn after going through this failed marriage and the pain of The Bachelorette, blah blah blah."
10:17 Lady that looks like she needs some Activia: "It looks like him and Molly might make it!"
10:18 (I am puking in the bathroom again)

I think that the next time I see the boy I have a crush on I'll just be like, "Hey, wanna come over to my house and make a baby??"
That is a very good idea huh you guys???

INTERSTATE TRAFFICKING OF CHIMPS: YES!

Hi everyone,
So, lately there's been a lot of talk about a proposed bill in Congress that would ban the interstate trafficking of chimps, and here's why I think that it's a bad idea:
Chimps are genetically almost human beings, and therefore they should enjoy the same rights as human beings and also therefore they should be treated in the same way that human beings are treated. Citizens of the United States enjoy the freedom of interstate travel and all of the privileges and immunities that they have under their forum state. This is governed by the Fifth Amendment of the Constitution's Privileges and Immunities Clause. So, it's frankly unconstitutional to restrict the right of interstate travel of chimps.
I mean, sure, this bill is a reaction to that news story of the chimp that ate off that lady's hands and face and totally freaked out on her and then she died. But this particular chimp hasn't been brought up on any criminal charges yet and there's been no trial date set. It's like if Jeffrey Dahmer went around eating people's faces and hands but wasn't caught by the police and therefore that serial-killin' maniac could drive to any state that he wanted to, killing people and eating them and making their skin into various lampshades or quilts or wallpaper or jackets or whatever he did with human skin. If he wasn't brought up on criminal charges then he was still free to roam around and kill people without being stopped from interstate travel. So, that's cool.
Just let the chimps do whatever they want to until the courts get involved. That's what I say. This proposed bill is just another way that the Legislature abuses their power of checks and balances and steps on the authority of the Judicial Branch!
I am going to fail out of law school because I obviously don't understand how any of this works!
Love
Katie
p.s. The Bachelor is the dumbest show on television, by far.

TUPAC LIVES

Listen up, you guys:
You should be so jealous of me right now! I had a good day (shocking!) and am now listening to Tupac rhymes, live on my laptop, WHAT?? God I fucking LOVE Tupac these days. It's a shame that he faked his death and now he's living in the Canary Islands, with Biggie, playing canasta and frolicking on the beach and laughin' at all the haterz. He still releases a new album on ITunes like every month, that's a totally industrious fake dead person, for REAL, son.
I'm exhausted and can't write or think or be awake anymore. If this blog post were to be rated in some category it would be definitely in the Worst Of category. Yeah, Tupac is totally pedestrian, huh? Well fuck that, I love him. I'd paste a youtube video from "Tupac: Resurrection" right now but I'm too busy listening to "Only God Can Judge Me" and I'm too much in the zone with it to pause the song. So what? Tupac is where I find my joy right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at him, he's fuckin beautiful, dude. I almost can't handle it anymore!
Some people are too excellent for this goddamn garbage dump of a world that we live in, so they faked their own deaths and now live in the Canary Islands as fake dead people: JFK, Tupac, Bob Hope, Jonbenet Ramsay, Dolly Parton, Thurgood Marshall, Jared from Subway, Strom Thurmond, Abraham Lincoln, Jesus, etc etc. The list goes on and on and on. All of those people decided to bail on fame and become anonymous citizens and our world is worse off because of it. Let's just realize that death is bad and I'm mad at God and I HATE HIM! I HATE GOD FOR (FAKE) KILLING TUPAC!
LOVE
KATIE

I'm trying to figure out if this one boy at school has a crush on me or not.
How can you tell? I need boy advice!

Hi guys, I'm blogging in class right now because I don't give a shit about anything today.
Last night I was talking on the phone with my mom for a while and accidentally drank too much wine, so now my day is all about pizza and facebook and wanting to take a nap. Oh and also I wrote a bunch of weird emails to people last night after I drank too much wine, so if you received one of those I apologize.
Also I spent approximately $700 on itunes today.
Also look at this picture of me and my cousin's dog:

That dog is a cutie patoot and I ain't jokin around about that!
love
katie

NOBODY WANTS BUGS, EVER

I just googled "get rid of the bugs in my Mac laptop" and some scary shit popped up. So, no gettin rid of the bugs on this machine this evening! Or maybe, while referring to bugs on a computer, they're called viruses. It's like an STD: if you fuck around with the wrong website, there will be icky repercussions.
I don't really know about any of that right now because I went to a party tonight! And it was fun and I had some drinks and therefore my brain capacity is impaired! That's the point of parties, I think!
Anyways, nobody wants bugs, ever.
Love
Katie
p.s. Our new president's first State of the Union address was THE BOMB, wasn't it?

CREATIVE SOLUTIONS

You guys, listen to this!
Okay so if there is ever a mice problem in the law school library in the near future, I think how I'd deal with it is that I'd buy a bunch of snakes and let the snakes eat the mice. Then if the snakes got out of hand, scaring people too much and whatnot, I'd probably buy some owls and let the owls eat the snakes! Or, alternatively, the owls will probably eat the mice too. So maybe we don't need snakes, snakes are expensive anyways. We can just cut out the middle man (the middle man being the snakes.) And then so we probably wouldn't have to ever get rid of the owls because they can just hang out, they're nocturnal and therefore sleep all day and probably wouldn't be a problem. So they can just sit there in the library and sleep when they're not hunting mice at night. However, if the owls become a problem (if they start biting people for instance, or if they screech too loud, thereby interrupting people while they're trying to study, or if the owls' stares become too menacing and they start to freak everyone out) we can probably buy some bears to eat the owls. That could possibly get dangerous, though, especially around hibernation time (bears get really crabby then). So maybe we could just buy some guns and shoot the owls and there ya go, no more owl problem.
Thanks,
Katie

Hi, do you guys want to hear about how I hate everything and that I have tons of problems because I actively chose to apply and then was accepted to law school and now as a result I am enrolled and matriculating at the aforementioned law school? COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN, that's all that I do these days. I complain about it like I'm a hostage that's duct-taped to a folding chair in some Hezbollah-funded makeshift prison in Lebanon. Like someone's gonna chop my head off and it will be recorded on grainy video and posted on Al Jazeera for all the world to see. That's how dramatic I'm being about it lately. What a joy to be around, let me tell ya.
Today I was talking to a couple of my classmates about how it's a travesty that we don't have health insurance even though we're upstanding members of society, and maybe we're important enough for the government to protect our basic health and well-being. It's a compelling interest for the government to provide such important people with the means necessary to conduct our daily business, we should be able to get prescriptions to deal with bronchitis and pink eye and etc etc, oh aren't we awesome that we read 80 pages of dense legal analysis every day. And then I was like, "We're law students, it's not like we're heroin junkies that are laying around in an abandoned building, totally wasting our time!"
Then I realized that I'm becoming a smug, awful lawyer and our little exclusive lawyer club is the reason that the world sucks. I think that I hate lawyers! Law school turns nice people into mean people and lawyers run the disastrous and unfeeling world that we live in and lawyers are the reason why there are wars! I do NOT want to become a warmonger! Someone please send help or organize an intervention soon, pretty please with sugar on top!
love
katie

Turns out that the boy I'm crushin on has a girlfriend. Oh well, fuck it, I'm so busy trying not to fail miserably at school that I'll probably be sex-free for the next two and a half years anyways.
I know that bitterness is unbecoming of a young lady such as myself but it's not like I'm watching soap operas and baking muffins all day. Learning how to be a lawyer puts me in a BAD MOOD ya'll and I am NOT CUTE anymore.
thanks
katie

I OFFICIALLY HATE THE OSCARS

Who wins the award for Best Oscar Film Montage?
Pointless, all of it!

DEAR OSCAR CEREMONY PRODUCERS:

How long will it be until you completely eliminate all categories like Best Short Film (snore) and Best Animated Short Film (double snore) and Best Sound (ack, coma time) to make more room for people like Seth Rogen and Ben Stiller to tell their dumb jokes for extended periods of time because they will never get nominated for Oscars but they have to be somehow included in the ceremony because people becoming exponentially less interested in art and more interested in broad comedies at an alarming rate?
I give it like two years.
Thanks,
katie
p.s. this Beyonce/Hugh Jackman performance makes no sense and they are really awkward, like they've never rehearsed it together before.

TROUBLE EVERY DAY

There's another cat that lives here, and she's really pretty but kinda spooky, like Angelina Jolie. I just never know what's up with this cat, she's way too mysterious and also seems to be "over it" all of the time. Whereas my fat, disabled, pathetic feline is constantly trying to crawl into my lap and lick my neck and shove her sizable girth all up in my business all of the time, the other cat slinks on by, throws me an unapproving glance, and then goes back under the couch. She really has no time for me or my triflin' ways.
So this morning I was eating cereal and watching Meet the Press, and this other cat runs up from out of nowhere and just stares and stares at me, licking her lips almost. I think she really wanted the milk in my cereal but I'm not sure. That's probably it, though, because why would she all of the sudden take an interest in my life or anything that I do? So then I got a little scared, like she wanted the milk so bad that she was about to attack me and bite my eyes and hands in order to knock the bowl away from me so that she could pour all of that succulent milk into her greedy mouth! Then I ran into the kitchen!
Love
Katie

Dear Law School,
I hate you, you make me puke!

Thanks,
Katie

I accidentally did a really inappropriate thing the other day.
There's a security guard at my school, and I think he might be a little bit autistic (which is immaterial in terms of the following story, but I thought I should mention it anyways.) He's super nice and I like talking to him, and our conversations are usually about Curtis Mayfield. He loves Curtis Mayfield and is constantly listening to Curtis Mayfield songs and watching Curtis Mayfield videos on youtube. Superfly and whatnot. We've talked about Superfly approximately one million times, and I always say, "I totally loved that movie the time that I saw it after a party one night!" And then he talks about the same certain parts of Superfly that he loves. And the Superfly Live Curtis Mayfield performance. And how Superfly is totally "Never a dude like this one! He's got a plan to stick it to The Man!" But it's a good time, I totally like talking to our security guard and he's a solid guy. He keeps our school safe, which is very important!
So, the security guard and I had this whole friendship going on, right? So the other day we both end up standing in front of the vending machines at school at the same time, and he's like "I shouldn't eat this stuff, I'm gonna get fat." And then I'm like, "Don't worry about it, you have a really nice body!" I totally didn't mean to say that and it was really inappropriate. Now every time I see him he avoids my eye contact and doesn't talk to me anymore, about Superfly or anything else.
So, yeah, thinking before speaking is pretty important I guess because I think that he doesn't like me anymore!
love
katie

This has been the longest week of my life and I'm so tired that my eyes fell out and rolled onto the floor and then my arms and legs fell off, too. So I'm pretty much fucked right now, just laying here like a useless stump on the ground, waiting for someone to come and stand on my throat to put me out of my misery. Or maybe they could shove my limbless torso into a garbage bag and tie it up and then throw me into the river. Goodbye, cruel world! On my tombstone please write "Katie Bruggeman: She Hated Law School."
Also I have this massive crush on a boy at school and am so incredibly awkward around him that it's totally pathetic. I can't even speak when he's around. I just sit there and stutter and sweat like a pig and say stupid shit about how I think this kid in my class has Down's Syndrome. Which is just dumb, everyone knows that they don't let Down's Syndrome people into law school (Down's Syndrome people usually go to grad school for psychology).
But yeah, lately it's like someone forced me into a time machine and I time-traveled back to when I was thirteen years old and had braces and my hair looked like an unkempt wig. This current debilitating crush kind of reminds me of a scene in Pump Up The Volume, where Christian Slater and that goth girl kind of stand around super awkwardly, and Christian Slater totally wants to mack down on her but he has absolutely no game when he's not DJing on his pirate radio station. So he just stands there like, "Um, wow, I want to jump out the window now okay bye!"
All in all, tonight sucks and I'm so tired that I can't even drag myself up the stairs to go to bed. So I'll probably just lay here for a couple of weeks until I die of starvation and the cat starts eating my body, but then the cat stops and spits it out because she's like "Gross, this person has obviously been eating way too many vegan burritos lately."

love
katie

Here's a picture of what my locker at school is like right now:

It's also a pretty accurate depiction of what's going on in my brain.
Thanks,
Katie

Dear Everyone,
There's a pile of matted fur on the street by my house right now, I think at one point it may have been a dog*. That's pretty depressing, huh? It's been there for days. The Chinese people that live in this neighborhood keep driving over it all of the time. This morning I saw that chunky pelt on the street and was like, "Of course that's still here, Chinese people are selfish." And they're also efficient. Perhaps that observation is racist as well as confusing, and for that I'm sorry. I'm kinda drunk right now after going to the bar with some of my classmates. And the rest, my friends, is Tragic Hayrides history!
I will probably constantly update this bitch all night long tonight, because I'm too drunk to do homework and too awake to go to bed.

*The dog is probably not "Stump," the oldest dog to ever win the Westminster Dog Show. He's probably havin' sex in the champagne room right now to celebrate his legendary victory!

p.s. do NOT do a google image search for "stump," there are some REALLY GROSS PICTURES that come up.

Okay, I know that I've already posted this clip on my old blog, but I just saw it on television again and it's a terrible commercial and it just makes me mad:

I actually said out loud, "Oh fuck you, Jane Seymour."
love
katie

I go to the hippiest, most progressive law school in the city, or perhaps it's the hippiest, most progressive law school in America. I personally really like it that way! The New York Post has written scathing articles about my school, saying things like "CUNY Is Breeding Terror-Loving Lawyers," because some of our faculty have been outspoken against the illegal prison at Guantanamo Bay. Things like that.

So it was really funny when I was in the hallway today and overheard the following conversation:
Head of Security: "Basically we need to angle one of the lights outside so that it illuminates the American flag more."
Security Guard: "Okay, we can do that."
Head of Security: "But be careful, though, because that particular spot light is really bright and hot, and it could possibly start the flag on fire if we don't watch it closely."

I think it would be really funny if there was, like, a burning American flag on the lawn outside of my school. Maybe we can get another story in the paper!


love
katie

I love this!:

Let's go see it, we can smuggle in booze and candy!

Good news everyone, I am ovulating! And it's just in time for a quiz that we're taking in my Family Law class tomorrow, it's all about the Supreme Court abortion cases! Super cheerful subject matter!
Well, it's a good thing that I'm not having anything remotely close to sex these days, because Gonzales v Carhart might have some different connotations, ya know? Like, I'd be sitting in class, writing short answers about partial birth abortion, wondering if they had real-life applications to my particular uterus. Right now my ovaries are like, "why should we even bother with this whole dog and pony show? We're going to Florida for vacation, let us know when we should come back and feel appreciated, like we're finally contributing something in life madame!"

Also, ABC revealed it's new cast for Dancing With The Stars tonight. Apple's Steve Wozniak will be one of the dancers! I might even tune in this season to watch his jiggling disaster of a body as he drags himself through whatever ridiculous acrobatics they do on that show.

I hope that they make him do the splits, that will be exciting, like a science experiment!

Also, I feel really bad for Australia right now because apparently the whole country is on fire. I hope that the kangaroos don't get their fur all singed in the blazes! That would probably smell really bad. Burnt fur = icky smell.

love
katie

I was just walking down to the store to buy some Gatorade and a car that was parked had a bumper sticker that said "Jesus Died For My Sins And Yours." But, like, I didn't ask him to do that or anything. That's sort of his deal, you know?


Also, it's the Westminster Dog Show in New York this weekend. I kind of want to go to see all of those weird dogs, but it probably smells like poop in there. Too many dogs in one place. It's like the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina, only they have lights and running water and a bunch of psychotic rich white people with too much time on their hands.

love
katie

I saw the most exciting thing on the subway yesterday! Some would even call it "MAGICAL."
So I was sitting there in the subway car and this guy in a top hat and cape walked in there a dirty little cart on wheels. It was covered in filthy red velvet! First, he banged on an old rusty can to get our attention. Then he pulled out a clear plastic box and showed it to all of us, like "hey there's nothing inside of this thing!" He put it back in the cart and then pulled it out again and there was a LIVE RABBIT in it!! Next, he pulled out a velvet bag that was covered in cat hair or something, and was like, "check it out, there's nothing in this bag either!" Then he put it back in the cart and rummaged around in there for a while and took the bag out again and there was a BIRD IN THE BAG! After those tricks he staggered through the subway car with the car hair bag to beg people for money, and I thought that I should probably give him a couple of bucks so that he could buy food for those animals so that they don't starve to death, but I didn't have any spare change. I hope they're okay!
So, yeah, magic tricks are very cool, I think.
love
katie

Okay you guys, tonight I'm gonna talk about ANIMALS again!
For instance, check out this little dude:

What a total weirdo, huh??
Well, I think that he's an anomaly. Look at that bill on him, and the fur too! Plus, what's up with the holes in his nose? Are they nostrils or what? I don't get it at all. I mean, he's totally cute and everything, but some people like that idiot "Kirk Cameron" are Evangelical Christians and prance around talking about "intelligent design." I think that the duck-billed platypus is an argument against that theory, because it's not very intelligent to make an animal that's so fucking confusing. It's like, what's up Jesus? Are you retarded with making animals or what?
Some day I think I'd like to live on a ranch that's filled with exotic and weird and adorable creatures, like duck-billed platypuses (platypi?), and red pandas:

This little guy is obviously not a panda bear, he sort of looks like a raccoon, but he's a higher class of animal (not to be racist or anything). But see, I think that this is another confusing animal, or maybe the nomenclature is inaccurate. He sort of looks like a red raccoon/fox hybrid. Okay, so he will DEFINITELY live at my Exotic Animal Ranch and doesn't even have to pay rent!
Another animal that's invited is the classiest of sea mammals, the Glorious Manatee. Look at this shit:


She's waving at you, how charming! She's all, "Come on down to Katie's Exotic Animal Ranch! We'll treat ya like god, ya little son of a bitch! I made you some casserole!" Some scientists (that shall remain nameless) refer to manatees as "sea cows", but I think that's a derogatory term which will NEVER be uttered at my ranch.
The other necessary phylum of creatures that will live at my ranch is a rare species called The Stay-At-Home-Dad. Observe him in his natural habitat IF YOU DARE:

Life is very difficult for him, it's like a side show attraction! Apparently women are way better at raising children because we have boobs and a vagina and therefore we inherently know how to change diapers and shit, dude!
Anyway, come down to my fucking ranch!
love
katie

First of all, isn't it fuckin HILARIOUS that George W. Bush can never be held legally accountable for all of his many mistakes that he made as President, because he redefined the powers given to the Executive Branch? He's like, "Suck it, Founders of the Constitution! There's a new sheriff in town, and he'd rather be clearin' brush and wearin' a sweat-stained cowboy hat instead of adherin' to the strict confines of what his powers should be, YEE HAW! Let's torture people and make 'em throw that Ko-ran down the latrine!" Please pardon my insolence regarding our former president, I spent this evening doing research on his many Executive Orders and how they're all considered classified information. Post-9/11, doncha know. Even the Supreme Court doesn't get to see the torturous actions he's taken against detainees in secret prisons all over the world, they're called "black sites." Some experts speculate that he's approved the same kind of interrogation tactics that were popular with dictators like Pol Pot and, our nation's favorite scapegoat, Saddam Hussein. YEE HAW! LET'S DESTROY THE CONSTITUTION!

Also, I came up with a new "yo mama's so fat" joke tonight. It goes, "Yo mama's so fat that she eats food all the time, like, every day! And it's probably really fattening food, too! Like frozen pizza and ice cream sandwiches!"

Okay, good night. I'm going to sleep now, and will have many dreams about waterboarding! It's legal, and therefore I can't designate it as a nightmare!

love
katie

I just was on the internet and read some statistics about Tibetan monks. Apparently they can lay in the snow naked for seven days without eating, drinking water, or breathing. And then they're still alive at the end of it!
It leads me to believe that I lack a certain amount of discipline, because I can't even sit through an entire movie without getting up to go to the bathroom at least once. It's a little bit problematic; I miss parts of the story and am always worried that the movie theater employees are going to ask me for my ticket stub when I try to reenter the theater after going pee (which, I mean, I lose the ticket stub immediately pretty much all of the time.)
I wonder what Tibetan monks do when they're at the movies? They're probably like, "Thank god I'm not laying naked in the snow right now!"
Even if it's they're watching this fuckin movie:

Although, the Tibetan monks would probably be like, "Yo, this thing SUCKS."
love
katie

Hey, I could say something a little bit antagonistic right now, like "why do people get so dramatic about the Holocaust all the time? LET IT GO."
Anyways, I've been staying up really late all the time lately without even meaning to. I'm just hangin' out, mindin' my biz, drinking grain alcohol and watching my old VHS recordings of "Cops," and all of the sudden it's after midnight. How does that happen all of the time? Is Queens in the epicenter of a time-sucking wormhole? Who knows these days.
Here's something interesting that I found in my email tonight:

See, I'm a subscriber to the North American Fishing Organization e-newsletter, and that clip won for the funniest fishing commercial of the year. I don't really get why it's the funniest one, do you?
p.s. don't sign up for the North American Fishing Organization e-newsletter unless you're really into fishing, because otherwise their shit is just more spam in your box.
love,
katie

Here's me missing all of the Super Bowl parties so that I can sit here in this fucking library and read about "summary judgment," ack:

Have fun with your beer and chicken wings, Americans! If anyone needs me I'll be down here in the library again, feeling sorry for myself.
Go Steelers,
Katie

Showbiz Pizza Animatronic Performers + backseat slow jamz soft gangsta what??:

(thanks for the clip, Droid Army)
love
katie

Dear Internet Friends,
Tonight I spent three hours reading a chapter in the scintillating "Problems in Contract Law." I was on the edge of my seat the whole time: will the integration clause make the plaintiff's real estate contract voidable because of the accused misrepresentation of the property's termite infestation that was made evident two months after escrow closed???
The answer: yes.
At this point I don't give a fuck about problems in contract law or termite infestations or houses or people that have problems in contract law because they accidentally buy houses that have termite infestations. Wait--scratch that. I actually DO care about termites, here's a picture of a termite swarm:

Um GROSSSSSSSSS.
I mean usually I'm a little more sympathetic to people that get totally screwed over due to fraudulent business practices, but tonight I was so crabby and bored that I was like, "Dude there were literally hundreds of termite trails all over that house, how could you not have noticed that during the open house or any of the other walk-throughs that you took before you bought it? Were you wearing a blindfold the entire time? Were you wearing 3D glasses? You're a chump and I hate you and you should be punished for your stupidity, MORON. You should be forced to live underneath a pile of termites for the rest of your stinkin' life!"
So anyway, I totally hate school right now and it makes me puke. I think I'd rather eat termites constantly all day every day for the rest of my life than read another page in any of these millions of boring books that I am forced to read. Actually I probably would never eat termites or any bugs ever but maybe I'd, like, touch a termite swarm for a second instead of reading for law school.

There was a funny thing in my torts book today, though, where this guy goes "I'm going to turn your brains into jelly beans if you ever try to grope my girlfriend again!" So, yeah, that was a highlight.

love
katie

I totally want to KISS this guy that I go to school with.
He's really really really cute!
Okay bye,
katie

I'm currently reading a case right now for my torts class, and the issue is whether the defendant intentionally burned the plaintiff in the crotch with a welding torch.
Fun!

Here's some more bad news for witchdoctors!

Tanzania Witchdoctors Flout Ban
BBC, 26 January 2009

Witchdoctors in Tanzania are defying a government ban announced on Friday, intended to stop the killings of people with albinism for ritual medicine.
A BBC correspondent has seen at least 10 witchdoctors are working openly.
It comes days after the latest murder of an albino man in Tanzania brought the national death toll to at least 40 since mid-2007.
The killers reportedly sell albino body parts - including limbs, hair, skin and genitals - to witchdoctors.
Prime Minister Mizengo Pinda said on Friday the government was revoking the licences of all traditional healers with immediate effect.

Here's a picture of my cat in front of the space heater, she's very cozy right now:

Don't worry, she's not dead. Although, she IS 17 years old and sometimes when she doesn't move for a while I put a mirror in front of her nose to make sure that she's still breathing.

Bonjour, hippies! I just cut my bangs in the sink again, check it out:

I am taking a break from watching ABC's "True Beauty" and man, is my brain tired.
Here's a clip from this mind-bending show!:

Watching it kind of makes me want to shave my legs and then slit my wrists.
Okay I'm going to bed now!
love
katie

Okay I accidentally recently ripped off this guy and his Insane Clown Posse obsession, and for that I am sorry:

This dude and his wife made a superb video dedicated to the Juggalos and it is a wonderful thing.
FAGO POP FOREVER, MY JUGGALO FRIENDS!
love
katie

Well, they make some good points:

I'm totally thirsty for Fago Pop!

Dear Poor People of America,
I just heard a story about how now you guys don't even have enough money to pay for the electricity in your soon-to-be-foreclosed homes, and are instead using more candles, kerosene lamps, and precarious, barely-contained living room fires.
I think that a great way to make some extra cash is to manufacture homemade candles and then you can either use them yourself or sell them to other poor people on the internet. Wait, if you don't have electricity you probably don't have the internet either, so maybe you can sell them at like road-side stands instead? Anyway, distribution is your problem. Here's a candle recipe:

(for this one, you first have to get your hands on a bunch of bees)
Then you'll need:

Some Beeswax sheets
Some primed wick
A sharp knife
A cutting board

1. Roll out the Beeswax sheet on your work surface.
2. Cut a length of wick, approximately two inches longer than the width of your Beeswax sheet.
3. Place the wick along the edge of the Beeswax sheet, and fold the sheet approximately 1/8 of an inch over the wick. Be sure to press down on the sheet to make sure the wax completely surrounds the wick.
4. Once the wick has been secured in the Beeswax sheet, it is time to start rolling. Be very careful not to damage or disrupt the honeycomb pattern on the wax. Roll the candle slowly, and be sure to keep it straight.
5. Once you have reached the end of the sheet, gently press down on the exposed edge to ensure that your candle does not come apart.
6. Pick which end you feel will make the best "top" and trim the wick down to approximately ½ inch. Also remove the exposed wick completely from the other end.

If you don't have any bees, cutting boards, or sharp knives, I'd suggest that you should probably steal them from someone.
YOU'RE WELCOME!
love
katie

I did homework like a motherfucker today and now have nothing else to do tonight! So now I'm just sittin' here, drinking beer and thinking up hair-brained schemes (or is it "hare"-brained schemes? What's the correct spelling? Well I guess I have the time to check it out on the internet!!):

harebrained |ˈhe(ə)rˌbrānd|
adjective
rash; ill-judged : a harebrained scheme

That's what the ol' IDictionary says about it. Thanks for making me look dumb again, computer!

Sixty Minutes is on right now and two of the segments are about how our country is in the midst of a debilitating economic crisis. Which is the same thing that they've been reporting on for the last three months. Bo-ring. And it also bums me out. I like when they do segments on elephants and celebrities and the mysterious hidden land mines of Cambodia. Those stories are a little more light-hearted, am I right??

Okay well I'm going to sit here and think about awesome and creative ways to make money. Stay tuned!


your internet pal,
katie

I feel SO MUCH BETTER today, in case you guys were wondering. There's nothing like a good 12 hour stretch of sleep to really put things into perspective and ask yourself important questions, like "What day is it?" and "Am I getting sick or something, yeesh!" But I just wanted to clarify something about the personal tragedy that I puked onto this blog last night: I was kind of thinking about breaking up with him, too. It was a somewhat mutual decision. So that's all I'm going to say about it, except that this particular guy is really great and we probably will become great friends. At least, I really hope so, I like spending time with him even if we aren't making out and stuff.
Enough of that particular subject matter! From now on I intend to write about more vital topics of interest, like trivia about manatees and how often John Boehner has appointments at his local tanning salon. He probably goes like twice a week, I mean look at the man, he's ORANGE:

love
katie

Well, it's been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me tonight, kind of like this:

Long story short, I sorta got dumped last night and now I'm single. I spent tonight watching "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: Emotional Manipulation!"
Oh, the crying. Crying really hard gives me a headache and my eyes get puffy and then I fall asleep. It's really not conducive to being a productive member of society. I went out to buy some orange juice at the Chinese grocery store and even the emotionless cashier that I see every day, the one that has nary a smile or wink or acknowledgment to my existence, she was like "Whoa are you okay?"
Yes, Chinese cashier, I am fine. And maybe being in the checkout line, with four frantic and rushed Chinese housewives impatiently waiting behind me, isn't the time for me to dump my emotional problems on you. We have a definite language barrier anyway. But I just want to say thanks for asking why it looks like I've been sobbing my eyes out all day! Just like an indulgent and selfish white girl to cry and cry over things that are relatively immaterial, huh. I'm sure the cashier has her own host of problems, like how her sister owes $20,000 to some slavemaster that smuggled her over here from China on a leaky and semi-unseaworthy boat and now she has to work off her enormous debt in a dangerous textile plant for 15 hours a day for the rest of her life, without water or bathroom breaks or food. We all have our problems these days!
So yeah, boo hoo, be super sad for me okay? I'll update you about my violently changing mood swings on Facebook, the most narcissistic and infantile of websites.
love
katie